Ask A Therapist - I'm desperate for closure from my ex. What now?
Hi friends, Louise here, founder of OPENHOUSE and the queen of painful break ups.
My last break up was the only one that really knocked me for six and opened me up to my first experience of being ‘desperate for closure’.
Up until then, I had been the one that had broken up with them and all of my partners were the ones who were always hurting for me. Karma’s a bitch, hey?
I needed closure
This time around, I was desperate for closure. In the first few months, I would literally dream about seeing him and I would daydream about our first interaction, what we would say to each other and how it would play out.
10 months later, we still haven’t had that discussion. 10 months later we still haven’t even spoken since the break up - not out of my choice, out of his, but it has taught me a hell of a lot.
This break up has taught me that you don’t *need* closure as a way to move forward, it’s really just something that you *want* to move forward so that you can shift the power dynamic in the situation, get to say the things that you feel are left unsaid, or to get the other party to see you in a different light.
Ask a Therapist
I wanted to ask Dr Tari, clinical psychologist and relationship expert, a bit more about the psychology of closure and control, and here is what she said.
“You are right with everything you think and have said above. Another word for control and closure is power.
When we go through a break up, particularly when someone breaks up with us, but even when we break up with someone else, we give our power away. We no longer are in a relationship and have power over another.
All of a sudden, when the power dynamic shifts and we lose someone important to us, many people start to think in conditionals - I.e. I will only be ok if this person comes back, I will only be ok if I can be with this person, I will be ok if I can just see them one more time.
It also goes deeper - we think if this person messages us back, or wants to see us, then there may still be hope. They may not hate us like we think they do, and so on and so forth. Often we are perpetuating our own stories and narratives in our head and pushing them on the other person.
When we do this, we literally hand our power over to our ex-boyfriend or girlfriend and when we do that, we start to feel completely helpless and completely powerless.
This is a dangerous and painful place to be.
When this starts to happen, what we need to recognise is that we need to stay in our own power. We are the only ones to have the power to make ourselves feel better, to create a healing loving space for us to heal (and ultimately feel).
We need to focus our power on the things that are inside of our control and that can help us, rather than the things that are outside of our control (like what our ex-partner thinks about us, or how they are healing, or whether they want to see us).
Ultimately, every break-up is one of the biggest opportunities for self-development ever - and whilst it will be exquisitely painful, you will be much better off coming back to yourself and focusing on yourself, rather than driving and seeking for connection and closure for another.
Even if they give it to you? It’s unlikely that they will say what you want to hear, and you just re-open the cycles of communication and, perhaps, conflict.
Focus on you. One day, if you are meant to have a discussion again, you will.
The OPENHOUSE Podcast with Louise Rumball
Want to hear more on heartbreak from Dr Tari, clinical psychologist and relationship celebrity expert, and Louise Rumball, founder of OPENHOUSE? Head to the OPENHOUSE Podcast
Our three recommended episodes for you:
Episode 7: The 10 things I learnt in therapy that helped me navigate heartbreak - SPOTIFY HERE or APPLE PODCASTS HERE - in this episode, Louise shares the top 10 things that she learnt from therapy around break ups and how they have helped her so far.
Episode 15: Scott Disick - how to get over the breakup or person that you think you can't get over - SPOTIFY HERE or APPLE PODCASTS HERE - in this episode, we looked at Scott - discussing all things breakups as we shine a light on what we know Scott Disick might be feeling. We dive into what to do when you feel like someone has got away, the different stages of a breakup and how to truly move through the relationships that we think we can never get over.
Episode 14: The evolution of Kourtney Kardashian - how our relationships ultimately lead us to ‘the one’ + how to let go of time pressure - SPOTIFY HERE or APPLE PODCASTS HERE - in this episode we dive into Kourtney finding her person later in life, and how her previous relationship with Scott taught her what she didn’t want / need in her future relationships.
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