7 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart
Heartbreak sucks. It can be one of the most painful things to happen to us, and the pain can be physical as well as mental. Whilst there is no guarantee you’ll avoid heartbreak, there is a way through it if it happens to you. Here I’ll share 7 ways to heal a broken heart, helping you to deal with a break up and come to terms with heartbreak.
When my ex boyfriend called me up and told me that he needed space, whilst it was something that we had discussed beforehand, the phone call came totally out of the blue and it just set off the most awful chain of events that sent me into a total tailspin. Breakups are hard enough in normal day-to-day life, but there is something about going through any kind of breakup during a global pandemic that seems to make the feelings it evokes even more intense.
So in this blog post, I'm going to share with you 7 ways to heal a broken heart, including things I've learned in therapy that have helped me get through those awful first few weeks. If you yourself are struggling or, you know someone that is, I would always advise you to seek professional help, where possible. If that's not possible, then I really, really hope that you can take what I've learned and apply it to your own situation in some capacity, whatever you are going through. My heart truly goes out to you. I would not wish heartbreak on anyone. For anyone that is interested in going deeper into this topic of heartbreak and working on their healing at home you can check out our workshops.
Here are 7 ways to deal with a break up and help to heal a broken heart.
It’s Good to Cry
The first few days are going to be horrendous, but you need to cry - feel it to heal it. I learned that crying for long periods of time actually releases oxytocin and endorphins, and essentially acts as an anaesthesia to the pain that you're going through. The tears are going to come and come, but know that as they come, they will in fact help to calm. In some moments, you're going to feel like the pain is never ending, but know that scientifically those tears are helping you.
Stay Calm
Your body will go into panic mode. The second that your partner drops the news on you, which your body classifies as rejection, this triggers a stress response called “fight or flight”. Try to calm yourself and your nervous system, and bring yourself out of this fight or flight mode where possible by using Bach Rescue Remedy, a flower remedy shown to calm our nervous system in times of crisis. Using essential oils like lavender can also help to feel calmer and more grounded.
Use Calming Breathwork
Explore breathwork. It's a powerful tool to take our body from fight or flight and into the more calm, rest and digest phase in moments.
When I could feel everything starting to wind up into a panic or a panic attack, I would focus on making my exhale longer than my inhale to try and calm me down, whilst counting to 30. Other simple breathwork exercises such as the 444 technique can help too.
Let out all of the air in your lungs to the count of four.
Keep your lungs empty for a count of four.
Inhale for a count of four.
Keep your lungs full for a count of four.
Nourish yourself
Even though you don't want to eat, you need to focus on the fuel you're putting into your body, or you will get sick. Try to eat small nutritious meals, or even just handfuls of fruits or vegetables.
I also found it really helpful to have a protein powder or something like Huel, which is a nutritionally packed smoothie for the days that I really, really couldn't eat but that I knew I needed some nutrients. Finally, if you take supplements now is not the time to stop taking them. I kept up with my daily supplements (vitamin D vitamin C, vitamin B12, selenium, and zinc) every single day.
Even though you might feel so low that you just want to crawl into a hole and forget about everything that's happening, now is when you need to show up for your body more than ever before. Your body is trying to help you, but you have to work with it and nourish it, rather than neglect it.
Understand the Science
Understanding what is going on scientifically can be a major help. Know that this panic response that your body has brought to the foreground is actually coming from a place of protection. My therapist told me that this response was coming from the rejection that I had experienced. As human beings, we have an inbuilt need for acceptance and inclusion that is literally part of our DNA and our entire beings.
This comes from when we used to live as cavemen. We lived in packs and tribes that lived, ate, slept, hunted, and moved together and doing so in groups meant our chances of avoiding predators and surviving together were much, much higher than if we had to live on our own over time. Any sort of rejection from our pack would have been an actual threat to our physical survival. Basically, you would have been left out in the open, unable to protect yourself, and you probably would have died. Understanding that today our primal brain can't distinguish the rejection from an ex-boyfriend to the rejection of being abandoned and basically about to die as a caveman helped me to better understand why I was taking the rejection so badly.
It’s something which is hardwired into us. For me, I was fearful and scared. I was both consciously and subconsciously scared that I had lost everything, scared that I wouldn't be able to survive. I was scared I’d never find happiness again and scared that I would never be able to find another person to share my life with. Once I understood this fear. I understood that it was coming really from a fear of the future and a fear of being on my own. This enabled me to better understand that the only way to combat this fear was to focus on the present moment rather than what lies ahead.
Fake it ‘til You Make it
I know that this is very much more easily said than done, but in the moments that the fear and the panic were kicking in, I would calmly focus on my breathing and focus on that very moment in time, where I was warm and safer. I would tell myself that everything was going to be okay. I just had to take it minute by minute and hour by hour. I would often say to myself, “it's okay, you're safe. You are going to be okay”. And whilst I really didn't believe so at the time, I really understood the power that thoughts and words have on neural and thought processes. Over time, it will work.
Distraction to a Degree
Whilst I don't condone distractions from the pain, I do think that in the first few days and weeks, when the fear really grips you, healthy distractions in moderation can really help here. I found that watching things that had no relation to romantic relationships at all were really helpful and things that were gripping were great at distracting me, even if it allowed my mind a break for just a half an hour. I watched Ariana Grande's new documentary because I love her and I rewatched Euphoria, which was beautiful, amazing, and stimulating. I went through all sorts of crime and prison related shows too. They definitely got me thinking about something that was not love.
Break The Addiction Cycle
Out of sight, out of mind is actually a good thing, which is something that my therapist taught me. It allows the retrieval pathways of memories to weaken and become less accessible over time, which will mean that eventually when the memories are recalled, they won't return with such a vivid impact. Basically they won't have you crying as you walk down the street, when you look at them.
I was lucky that my boyfriend was one of those people who had no digital footprint whatsoever and literally no social media. For me, it was a blessing because I knew from experience how much of a stalker you can become on Instagram and how it can drive you absolutely insane.
So whilst this wasn't relevant to me, if it is to you, please know that to really break the addiction cycle, you have to block them. For me, breaking the addiction cycle meant deleting thousands of messages, photos, and videos that we had together, as well as working out what to do with the even more special moments, such as the letters, cards, and gifts. This totally broke my heart because as I read back through our messages, I could literally see us falling in love and sharing our deepest, darkest secrets, desires, and life experiences together at this point as well.
I really just didn't want to break up, so I didn't want to break those memory pathways. However, I knew that deep down, what I needed to work out was a way to be able to function on a day-to-day basis, and having all of these memories right there in my phone was not going to help me. I spent hours highlighting thousands of photos in my camera roll, adding them all to an album and then hiding the album so they didn't appear in my camera roll. If you challenge yourself to not go into this album, then you can also consider buying an external hard drive and moving everything onto there as well. I backed up my phone so I had a copy of all of these amazing messages, and then I deleted everything, including his phone number, even though I knew it off by heart. That really felt a bit stupid, doing that, in terms of the physical stuff but I know it was one of the best ways to heal a broken heart.
I kept every gift, every card and every letter he gave to me. I know that one day I will want to look back and read them again. I threw away everything that was non-critical - the food in the fridge that we used to cook together, the products that we use in the shower together, the clothes that he left at my house and his toothbrush, even though it broke my heart.
Healing takes time. I am not there either. Let's just keep going. Today, I'm excited for the future for me and for you, and for all that lies ahead. So maybe today, just today, even if just for five seconds, you can be excited for your future too.
I hope this blog post giving you 7 ways to heal a broken heart gave you some comfort and ideas on how to move forward. Please reach out if you need more help.
More Healing from Heartbreak resources:
The OPENHOUSE Podcast with Louise Rumball
In Episode 15 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast, we look at Scott Disick and discuss all things breakups, as we shine a light on what we know Scott Disick might be feeling.
We dive into what to do when you feel like someone has got away, the different stages of a breakup and how to truly move through the relationships that we think we can never get over.
LOUISE RUMBALL & DR TARI MACK go deeper into:
Why heartbreak can be worse than grieving the loss of somebody who died;
Dr. Tari’s insight into why, if there’s been a breakup, that’s a clear indication that they are not your person;
The psychology behind connection and closure - and why you do NOT need it in the way you think you do; and
How to handle unhealthy coping mechanisms and why it’s important to stay in our power during a break up.
Scott Disick’s way of moving on and why he chooses young people that are at the same emotional maturity level as him;
The different stages of a break up; and
Why a relationship is never about the other person.
You can find the episode on SPOTIFY HERE or APPLE PODCASTS here.
Let us know how you enjoyed the episode and be sure to share this on social media, as well as giving us a rating and review on Apple or Spotify.
